Should Have Been Her Child Page 14

  The two women stepped into the kitchen and Katrina looked up from her seat at the small chrome dining table. Her gray eyes grew to saucer size as she spotted Victoria standing beside her grandmother.

  “Toria! Toria!”

  Like a blur, the youngster slid from her chair and raced straight to Victoria’s waiting arms.

  With a smile of satisfaction, Alice stood back and watched as Victoria pressed several kisses on Katrina’s giggling face.

  “See, I told you,” Alice said to Victoria. “The little thing has missed you, too.”

  “I not sick,” Katrina announced to Victoria.

  Emotion balled in Victoria’s throat, making her laugh low and husky. Just being able to hold Katrina again filled her with a pleasure that was indescribable.

  “Of course you’re not sick,” she told the child. “You’re all well and strong now.”

  “Sit down, Victoria,” Alice invited, “and I’ll get you something to drink. How about a glass of lemonade? That’s what Katrina is drinking with her apple slices.”

  “Thank you, Alice. That sounds nice to me. All I had to drink at the office this afternoon was a cup of burnt coffee.”

  With the little girl’s hand safely ensconced in hers, Victoria walked over to the table. Once she was settled into the seat at the end, she lifted Katrina onto her lap.

  While Alice prepared the drink, Katrina quickly began to chatter about all that she’d been doing since she’d gotten home. Victoria listened intently and asked questions in all the proper places.

  “Sounds like you’ve been a busy little girl,” Victoria told her.

  Katrina nodded emphatically making her golden-red curls bounce around her face. “I told Daddy I want to see Toria. He said no!” She pushed out her lower lip and mumbled, “I cried and kicked my feet like this.”

  The child promptly demonstrated a tantrum and Victoria couldn’t decide if she should laugh or cry herself.

  “Oh, Katrina, you shouldn’t behave that way. Your daddy wants you to be a good girl and so do I. That means you have to be nice, even when he tells you no.”

  Alice placed Victoria’s lemonade on the table, then drew out a chair opposite her guest.

  “We sure are grateful to you for taking care of Katrina all those days,” Alice said. “Will and I was so worried when Jess raced out of here with her. She was burning up with fever. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my grandson looking so scared. Funny, isn’t it, how a strong, brave lawman can be shaken by such a little bundle.”

  Victoria slanted the older woman a wry smile before she looked down at the child in her lap. “Jess happens to love this little bundle very much.”

  “Well, it was a special thing you done. Taking care of her day in and day out like that. You sure saved me a lot of lost sleep.”

  “Forget it,” Victoria urged, then reaching across the corner of the table, she gave the woman’s hand a gentle squeeze. “It’s really good to see you again, Alice. How’s Will doing?”

  She motioned a hand at a door that led out to the yard. “Oh, he’s out riding the back pasture. You can’t hardly keep that man outta the saddle. And the little one there, she’s just like her daddy and her great-grandpa, she wants to ride a horse eight hours a day.” Leveling an eye on her great-granddaughter, she added, “Katrina, why don’t you get in your chair and drink your lemonade and then Victoria will have room to drink hers.”

  The child wrinkled her nose as though she wanted to argue, but after glancing up at Victoria, she decided it was time for her to be “nice.”

  “’Kay, Ma.”

  After Katrina had climbed off her lap and into the chair next to hers, Victoria picked up the glass of lemonade and enjoyed a long drink.

  Alice said, “It seems like old times having you here again, Victoria. We’ve missed you.”

  “And I’ve missed being here,” Victoria said truthfully. “I’m so glad that you and Will didn’t turn your back on me after Jess went to Texas.”

  Alice snorted. “Just between me and you, we never wanted him to go. But at the time he believed it would help him better himself. And we knew that was important to him.”

  Closing her eyes, Victoria shook her head with bewilderment. “It’s hard for me to understand that he needed to feel better about himself when he was already a hardworking, respectable man.”

  “Well, I suspect you would’ve had to have known Jess’s daddy, to really understand. The man was my son, but there’s no use in me sugarcoating his memory. He was just plain no good. And I guess Jess always felt like he had to prove himself even more to make up for Jim’s mistakes.”

  Victoria frowned. “Jess never talked to me much about his parents. He was so young, only five when his father died, that I figured he didn’t remember much about the man.”

  “He remembers enough, Victoria. And none of it could be pretty, if you know what I mean. Jim was a mean son-of-a-gun whenever he was drinking. And that was just about all the time. It was a good thing Jess was the only child he sired. He wasn’t fit to be a father.”

  Victoria’s heart squeezed with pain as she imagined Jess as a child, wanting and needing the love of his father, but getting fear and insecurity instead. It was no doubt why he’d grown up tough. He probably wanted to make sure nothing ever hurt him again. But she’d hurt him, she thought sadly. And she didn’t know what to do about it or how she could ever possibly make it up to him.

  “What about his mother? I don’t suppose you ever hear from her?”

  Alice’s head swung back and forth. “We have no idea where she went or even if she’s still alive now. Jess never mentions her. And me and Will don’t bring her up either. It’s pretty obvious she didn’t want to be a Hastings, ’cause she hasn’t ever come back.”

  “Was Jess close to her?” Victoria asked.

  Alice nodded. “The woman was a good mother to him. She sheltered him as best she could from Jim’s drunken violence. Will and I were shocked when she left Jess with us. We never could figure why.”

  Victoria glanced at Katrina who was busily munching on an apple slice. “Well, you and Will have been wonderful parents to Jess. You should feel good about that.”

  “We do,” Alice said. “And we’re glad he’s back home now.”

  Bending her head, Victoria stared at the pieces of crushed ice floating at the top of her glass. “I wished Jess had never went to Texas, Alice,” she said hoarsely. “I realize it helped him move up the ladder. But, I don’t have to tell you that it…tore us apart.”

  Not known for being subtle, Alice said straight out, “You’re a Ketchum, Victoria. Your family has always been rich and well-to-do. That’s why Jess jumped at the chance to join the border patrol. He knew he couldn’t compete on just a city cop’s pay.”

  He’d often expressed those same sentiments to her, but Victoria had always believed he was just using that as an excuse to lure her away to Texas, away from Tucker.

  “I never wanted or needed for Jess to have a lot of money. That had nothing to do with why I loved him. I made that clear to him many times.”

  Alice nodded as though this was something she’d always understood about Victoria. “I know. But a man has pride and he was convinced that Tucker considered him low class. And he wanted you to look up to him, not your daddy. I imagine you can understand that now.”

  Yes, she was beginning to understand a lot of things, Victoria thought. She was beginning to see that she’d closed her eyes to Jess’s needs and also to her father’s subtle manipulations.

  “Alice, for years I’ve heard people talk about my father. About the underhanded deals he made, the fights he’d been in and the women he’d had affairs with. Until recently, I’d always believed that most of those tales had been gossip—fabricated tales about a larger-than-life man who had built a fortune.” She shrugged and sighed. “I guess I didn’t want to believe they were true and that my father was less than a noble and honest man.”

  “Of course you didn’t wan
t to believe it,” Alice gently replied. “He was your daddy. He was good to you and you loved him.”

  Victoria nodded, grateful that at least Jess’s grandmother could understand her motives back then. “Yes I loved him. And even though I’ve come to the conclusion that he was far from perfect, I still love him. I just wish—” She glanced at Alice. “I wish I’d opened my eyes back when Jess and I were together. I shouldn’t have let my father manipulate me like he did.”

  “You believed he needed you. And I guess he did. He got pretty frail not long after Jess left for Texas.”

  Victoria grimaced. “Yes, he was in a wheelchair and on oxygen for nearly three years. I guess that was payback for all the wrong he’d done to others. And payback to me because I hurt Jess.”

  Alice shook her gray head. “I don’t believe the good Lord works in payback. Things just happen for a reason.”

  But what reason, Victoria wondered. Was she supposed to spend the rest of her life longing for a man she couldn’t have?

  She felt a pull on her dress and glanced down to see Katrina had climbed from the chair and was tugging on her skirt. “C’mon, Toria, go outside with me. I gotta puppy. Wanta see?”

  Victoria smiled at Jess’s daughter. “Sure, sweetheart. As soon as I drink my lemonade, we’ll go look at your puppy and then Victoria has to go home.”

  Alice’s brows pulled together with disappointment. “Oh surely you don’t have to go so soon. Jess will be home after a bit. Why don’t you stay and have supper with the four of us?”

  A sad little smile touched Victoria’s lips. “I don’t think that would be a good idea, Alice.”

  The older woman eyed her sternly. “Wouldn’t be good for who? You or Jess?”

  Chapter Eleven

  Jess pulled his vehicle to a stop beside the dark green sedan parked near the front yard gate. The car looked vaguely familiar, but since he’d come home to New Mexico, he couldn’t remember seeing it here on the ranch. And then he saw Victoria walking out the front door with Katrina in her arms.

  His daughter’s arms were tightly wound around Victoria’s neck and their cheeks were pressed together. The sight of their closeness didn’t surprise him. Back on the T Bar K he’d seen for himself how much Katrina adored Victoria. What did shock him was the idea of Victoria being here on his turf.

  Slowly, he left his truck and walked up to the house. By then Victoria had spotted him and set Katrina down on the ground. His daughter ran straight to him, while Victoria lingered on the front porch.

  “Daddy! Daddy! Toria’s here. See!” She pointed in Victoria’s direction.

  Jess lifted his daughter into his arms and gave her a fierce hug before he turned his gaze on the woman on the porch. She was wearing a yellow-flowered dress and the wind was causing the hem to flutter around her shapely calves. Her nearly black hair was tousled in loose shiny waves around her shoulders. He’d never seen a more beautiful woman. That had to be the reason his heart was beating like a drum in his chest.

  “Yes, Katrina, I see. Now how’s my little sweetheart?” he asked her.

  She smacked a sloppy kiss against his cheek. “I wanna ride Pokie, Daddy. Can Toria ride, too?”

  “I don’t think Victoria came here to ride a horse,” he said to his daughter. In fact, he wasn’t at all sure why she was here. Especially after their stiff parting three days ago.

  He set Katrina down on the ground and the child raced back to Victoria’s side. Slowly, Jess followed his daughter and stepped up on the porch.

  “Hello, Jess.”

  Jess’s eyes met hers and for a moment all he could think about was taking her in his arms and tasting her lips. But he couldn’t do that. Especially now, he thought ruefully.

  “Hello, Tori.”

  Her heart ached as she looked at him. “I hope you don’t mind me stopping by to see Katrina.”

  “Wait here,” he said, then reached down and took Katrina by the hand. The child began to whine in protest as he led her away.

  Stunned, Victoria watched the two of them disappear into the house. Apparently she’d been wrong, she thought sickly. Now that Katrina was well, he didn’t want her around his child. He despised her that much. And Alice had almost persuaded her to stay for supper! What a horrible joke that would have been!

  Desperate now to get away, Victoria stepped off the porch and walked quickly toward her car. She had almost reached the front gate, when he called to her.

  Turning, she saw Jess striding toward her, his face stern, his jaw set. Katrina was nowhere in sight.

  “I told you to wait,” he said, obviously annoyed that she hadn’t obeyed him.

  Victoria bristled. “I know we’ve had our differences, Jess. But I never dreamed you disliked me this much.”

  Jess watched angry color bloom in her cheeks and, if possible, the passionate explosion of dark pink made her face even more beautiful.

  “What are you talking about?” he asked with a blank innocence that only managed to insult her more.

  Victoria stared at him. “You know what I’m talking about! Katrina. I came by this evening to see her. But you had to hustle her into the house and get her away from the bad woman just as fast as you could.”

  Disgust suddenly tightened his features and roughened his voice. “You must really think I’m a monster.”

  “Monster might be too good for you,” she said between gritted teeth.

  “Look Victoria, I realize you and Katrina became close while we were at the T Bar K. And you’re wrong. I don’t mind you spending time with her. Like you said, she needs female companionship.”

  Emotion balled in her throat. Swallowing, she turned her head away from him. “I love Katrina,” she said quietly. “I guess that’s hard for you to understand.”

  He stared at her and wondered why he felt so helpless and angry that things had went so wrong between them. “What’s hard for me to understand is that you could care that much for a child of mine.”

  Outraged, Victoria’s head jerked back around to his and, as her gaze ripped over him, her hands clenched tightly at her sides.

  “You’ve always been blind, Jess Hastings! So blind that you didn’t have any idea I could have been raising your child these past few years!”

  Long moments passed as he stared at her in stunned confusion. Then his eyes turned steely and his jaw tightened to an unyielding ridge.

  Closing a hand around her upper arm, he clipped, “Come with me.”

  Her heart pounded with dread as he led her around to the back of the house where a huge gnarled juniper shaded several wooden lawn chairs.

  “What are we doing back here?” she demanded.

  He answered in a voice so smooth it chilled her blood. “I thought we ought to have a little privacy while you explain what you just said.”

  Victoria could feel all the blood draining out of her head and knew her face had turned as white as paper. The ground felt as if it was tilting beneath her feet and for one horrible second, she thought she was going to faint. Dear Lord, why had she opened her mouth like that, she wondered wildly.

  Turning her back to him, she prayed for her heart to slow its frantic pace. “There’s nothing to explain, Jess.”

  His fingers pressed into the flesh of her arm and dared her to look him in the eye. “Don’t lie to me, Tori.”

  Her gaze froze on a limb of the juniper as her mind leaped here and there for a logical reason to give him. But her senses were so scattered she couldn’t think, much less come up with an excuse for her loose tongue.

  “I was speaking in general terms, Jess. I just meant that if you and I had stayed together—we—we could have had a child.”

  “No,” he said, his voice soft and dangerous. “You weren’t generalizing. You flung each and every word at me like a pointed dagger. Now tell me. What did all of that mean?”

  Shaking her head, she dared to glance at him. “It doesn’t matter,” she whispered raggedly.

  His hands suddenly gripped
her shoulders. “If I thought it didn’t matter, I wouldn’t be asking. And I’m not going to let you go until you explain yourself.”

  “Jess, please—”

  “Even if it means we stand here all night.”

  He wouldn’t back down, she thought sickly. He was too bullheaded and determined to get what he wanted. Especially now that he was convinced she was hiding something from him.

  With a defeated sigh, she turned to face him. “All right, Jess, you want to know, so I’ll tell you. Two months after you left for Texas, I learned I was pregnant.”

  Stunned and in total disbelief, Jess stared at her. “Pregnant!” he repeated as though he never expected to hear her say such a word. “So—where’s the child? Our child?”

  Closing her eyes, Victoria grimaced as painful memories gripped her with an awful emptiness. “I didn’t give birth. I suffered a miscarriage in the fourth month of pregnancy,” she said dully.

  He didn’t say anything and Victoria opened her eyes to see all sorts of emotions flickering across his face, shadowing his gray eyes. In the past four years they’d been apart, she’d often imagined telling him about their lost child. There had been times that she’d longed to tell him. Just to see if he would express the same crushing grief that she had suffered, just to see if he might care the least little bit. But somehow she’d never gotten the chance until now.

  When it became obvious he wasn’t going to speak, she decided she had to or she was going to break apart from the ache in her chest.

  “I didn’t tell anyone about the baby,” she said, her voice trembling with the need for him to understand. “Not even my family. The only person who knew I was pregnant was the doctor who attended me after the miscarriage.”

  Anguish twisted his features as he suddenly dropped his hold on her shoulders and turned his back to her. When he finally spoke, his voice dripped with accusation. “Four years! When were you going to tell me? Never?”

  Maybe she had been wrong to keep her pregnancy and miscarriage from him, she thought. But that didn’t mean he had the right to rake her over the coals. Not after the devastation he’d put her through!